Lost
by Ashi Altair
Summary: Ichigo losing his shinigami powers is not as easy to accept as it seems for Kuchiki Rukia. She's not a perfect being, after all.


This has been sitting in SnP for quite a time and it's not getting the enough exposure that it deserves. lol

I wrote this a day, I think, after I read chapter 423. I felt so depressed after reading it so I decided to release it through writing this one. That's why I'm very sorry if there's an OOC or something wrong with this one. *bow***  


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Lost**

At first, she felt nothing. It was as if it doesn't really concern her at all. She didn't believe it was true. Why would he do that, in the first place? Was he stupid enough to risk his life? There were other ways, weren't there?

She spent one night thinking about it. She didn't want others to see and talk to her. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to think.

And so, after that night, she went back to Urahara Kisuke to ask him one more time—to ask a more detailed explanation regarding his case.

"Why?" she asked, once again.

"It was the only way," Urahara replied.

She knew it was; but she didn't want to accept it. What if they won't be able to see each other again?

"To weaken Aizen and for you to seal him, am I correct?"

"Yes, Kuchiki-san."

She sighed.

"But don't worry," Urahara added. "You would still be able to see him… just like before."

She knew Urahara was just trying to cheer her up that time. She knew that he knows that it's a difficult situation. All of them know it. But she just can't imagine…

"Come on, don't be sad," Urahara said.

Kuchiki Rukia clenched her shihakushou. She's not just worried. She's not just sad. She couldn't describe what she was feeling that time. She doesn't know how to describe what she would feel if the time comes when Ichigo…

"Yeah," she nodded. It was the only response she could muster. She wouldn't know what would happen if she tries to speak more.

"Then, I must go now…" Urahara left Rukia sitting inside the room. Eventually, she would be able to accept it. Kuchiki Rukia is a strong person.

She wasn't able to make Urahara explain, after all. Besides, he already told them what happened to Ichigo and what will happen to him afterwards. There was nothing more to ask—she knows that. She just wanted more assurance that Ichigo would be fine. She sighed again.

"I think that's enough," she said to herself. "Ichigo did the right thing. There's no reason to sulk."

But convincing herself was not enough. Everyone felt Rukia's emotion no matter how hard she tries to smile and act normal.

'Hey, Rukia!"

She looked expectantly. It was Renji. He sat beside her and watched as the wind blows the cherry blossoms around the manor.

"Renji."

"Are your injuries all right now?" he asked.

"Yeah," she nodded. "Unohana-taicho is great." She smiled.

"That's good," Renji said.

"What about you?" She looked at him. "All fine?"

"Yeah, all fine."

"That's good." She brushed the cherry blossom leaves on her lap. "What about Inoue? Uryuu? Chad?"

"They're all right," Renji replied.

Rukia smiled. "That's good."

A moment of silence passed, and Renji asked, "Aren't you gonna ask about Ichigo?

"Why?" She tried to laugh. "That guy is strong enough to live. I know he can manage."

"Rukia…"

"He can manage," she repeated. "Even if he would not see nor feel us anymore." Pause. "I know that." She smiled at herself; but it was a sad smile.

"Aren't you gonna visit him?" Renji asked. "It's been days since you left him at Karakura."

"What for? To see him before he loses his Shinigami powers?" Rukia said. "We would still be able to see him. And, he needs his family beside him. Who am I to share their time with Ichigo?"

"His nakama," Renji said. "A very special one," he added before Rukia could reason back. Renji knows it—everyone feels it. Rukia is a special nakama to Ichigo. If not, why did he risk his life to save her from getting executed from before? If not, why was he ready to go back in order to save Rukia's life back there in Hueco Mundo? And for all you know, Rukia was the one in Ichigo's mind when he was fighting with Aizen.

Rukia didn't answer back. Special? Why is she special? Was it about before when she gave him her Shinigami powers to save his family? Does he still feel indebted to her after all these time? She is like the others, isn't she? Just like Inoue, Chad, Uryuu, and Renji. She's nothing compared to Ichigo's family.

"Come on," Renji shoved her.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"To Ichigo." He grinned.

Rukia didn't move. "What for?"

"So that we'll be there the moment he wakes up."

"Renji, Urahara said that he'll wake up after a month."

"Yeah, right. But don't you want to say something to him that you can't tell when he's awake?"

"Like what?"

"Like how much you're thankful for what he did," he said." Or something else. I really don't know. I am not you."

"That's melodramatic."

"So what?" Rukia asked. "It's not the time to act tough. We're just gonna visit him. What's wrong with that? You don't need a reason to visit a nakama, right?"

Renji's right. There's nothing wrong with it. "But…"

Renji pulled her along.

…She wasn't ready.

Ichigo was on his bed, still sleeping. Rukia and Renji stood on one side of the bed, while Isshin was sitting on a chair at the other side.

"This is funny," Isshin said. "Ichigo looks like a sick guy; his friends visiting him with gloomy faces and stuff."

"Yeah," Renji answered. "If he can only see himself right now, I'm sure he wouldn't like being treated like this."

Rukia wasn't looking at Ichigo. She tried to look around his room, thinking about the memories that they made together. A smile slipped from her lips.

"See?" She looked at Renji. "You finally smiled."

Rukia pursed her lips and nodded. She felt like she wasn't Kuchiki Rukia anymore. It was as if all her internal defenses collapsed and all that was left was sadness. She might be able to smile once in a while, but that's only when she isn't aware of it. It was good, nevertheless.

She tried to look at Ichigo.

_Hey, Ichigo. I'm right here beside you. Renji is here too._

_Can you hear his voice? We're alright. Can you hear him? He's still as loud as usual._

_And your father, Kurosaki-san. I bet he's always here to watch over you. Isn't that sweet?_ She chuckled inwardly. _I know what you're gonna say. It's creepy, right? But you're lucky that you have your father with you all the time even if he's such an annoying person. His presence is really big, isn't it?_

"Rukia, we'll just go out for a while," Renji said.

_What about me, Ichigo? Can you still feel my presence? I'm right here, standing beside you._

"I know you can do it," she told Ichigo. "Even if you wouldn't be able to see and feel me afterwards." She tried not to cry. "I'm weird, aren't I? I'm sad even if I am not the one who lost my Shinigami powers. I'm sure that if you see me like this, you'd annoy me to no end, just like what you normally do." She smiled, this time, it was a genuine one. "Jerk," she said.

_But, I just can't imagine it; you, not being able to feel me, but I, who can still feel every single pulse of your presence._

"Tell me what you're feeling right now," she continued. "Was it like when nii-sama eliminated your power before?" She touched her chest. "I know it hurts… but I am sure you can make it through." She squeezed Ichigo's hand—she wanted to let Ichigo know that she'll always be there. "Just like me."

Now, she understands.

"Thank you," she said. "Thank you for everything."

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Yep, thanks for reading! :D

Please review, thank you soooooooo much. 3


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